In our work with singles and couples, they regularly listen to people express great excitement at the prospect of making a healthy, alive, loving intimate relationship. With tremendous enthusiasm and sincerity they proclaim, ''I am willing to do ANYTHING it takes to have a great relationship!'' They speak fondly of their visions of close, happy, loving moments with that special partner, sharing all aspects of themselves and their lives with their true soul mate. And then they embark on that most intimate of journeys, the journey of affection, which always starts within ourselves.
When they seek genuine intimate connection with another, ultimately they come face-to-face with who they are. They can hide from ourselves, our friends, our families and even our therapists and spiritual teachers, but ultimately they cannot hide from the that they share intimate space with. This is a great blessing (which regularly feels like a curse!) because it helps us to grow in ways they would never select to do on our own. All of us have parts that would stay in their cocoons and hide. So when the magic of affection penetrates the soft underbelly beneath our defenses, they may feel wonderfully alive, but also vulnerable and exposed in ways they have not let ourselves feel for a long time. This can feel exhilarating, yet also terrifying.
These experiences of feeling frightened or even frightened are not what our egos had in mind when they set out to experience a great loving relationship. These are the moments when they keep in mind that phrase they read in some book or heard at that workshop: all of life comes down to a choice between fear and love. Yet they may feel lost and confused. When I am frightened like this, what IS the choice for love? Self-protection can appear like a loving choice at these times. If they have not learned how to generate a safe, sacred space to express and work through these feelings, fear wins out, and they automatically don our masks of fear. In lieu of dealing directly with our fears, they act them out indirectly. They shutdown like a turtle pulling in its head. They put on several layers of new armor.
If we are single, suddenly they are busy to date; if we are in a relationship, we are busy for our partner. After months of flexible schedules, they now must work overtime days a week. Or they find ourselves getting angry, irritated, frustrated with the slightest inconvenience. Or they erupt in a anger, surprised at the strength of our feelings. Or they find ourselves turning to elderly ways of numbing, be it food, chemicals, a brand spanking new lover, computers, work or any other way which keeps us out of touch with what is going on in our hearts and guts. The masks of fear become so transparent that they can also quickly slip in to blame. I did say I would do ANYTHING to make this work but that definitely didn't mean hanging out in fear, insecurity, sadness, anger or despair. That wasn't part of the deal at all. My life is about bliss, love, expansive consciousness and pure light pouring out of my heart. YOU must be bringing this energy in to my life!
And when our masks of fear appear when they are in relationship, our partner is often annoyed or confused. Don't you love me anymore? What about our dreams? What about last week? Why cannot I reach you anymore? & then out of self-protection, THEIR masks of fear will emerge, making a distant relationship where true connection is impossible.
These are the moments that make or break a relationship. If they are unable or reluctant to take off our masks & tell ourselves & our partners what is going on, our relationship will stagnate or finish. They can blame it all on our partners' shortcoming & possibly even feel sorry for them & all of their issues. They can smugly walk away & remind ourselves that there are not lots of people as together as they are, & possibly loneliness is the cost they must pay for being so exceptional.
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